NOTE: So I wrote this a few years ago and since then have limited myself to 1 trip to Wal-Mart each year (none if I can manage it). It still makes my blood pressure rise; today's trip was no different even though I was alone. I thought I'd share it now, with thanks to Paige Campbell for some great editorial notes.
Enjoy!
Enjoy!
In Envy of the Wal-Mart Mommy
After completing the guilt trip I gave myself for entering this evil store and agonizing over the origin and labor practices that produced the items I came to buy, I begin my journey through the aisles as my two year old begins to beg and plead for each and every product emblazoned with his favorite Disney Character (don’t even get me started there, I’ll save that guilt for another time). The plethora of tactics and methods gleaned from the dozens of parenting books and countless articles I’ve read since my son was in-utero leap into action. I get on his level, make eye contact, and use my kindest voice to “explain” to him why it is important to be grateful for what we have and not forever wanting more. My rational and sensitive child takes heed, for the moment. But, alas, the cheery mouse and the giant smiley face have teamed up against me and around every corner looms the aforementioned favorite character.
Take two: (still using the kind voice) “Honey, we cannot get a new toy today, I’m sorry, I know you’re disappointed,” (validate the child’s feelings) “but we just can’t today.”
“But Mommy, it’s a lamp/clock/sippy cup/plate/pillow (you choose), that’s not a toy!” He looks triumphant. I pause and wonder to myself, why did I come here? Not in the philosophical manner but really, what was I looking for, was it toilet paper? More whiny-voiced begging erupts from my buggy.
Take three: (slightly more impatient this time) “Honey, I can’t understand your whiny voice, could you use your nice voice please?”
Yes, toilet paper, that was on the list – where am I? house wares? Okay. Reroute. Paper goods. Louder begging comes from the buggy, so I change my approach.
Take four: (I don a cheerful tone. Re-direct the child, that works, right?) “Hey Buddy! I need your help! Can you help me find all the things on our list? I know you’re so good at finding things and I don’t think I can do it all by myself!” It worked…for about a minute. Then BAM! another picture of the favorite character jumps out of nowhere and just like that we’re headed for meltdown city. I return to my breath and think to myself, don’t freak out, you can do this.
Take five: (calm but serious Mommy voice, stern face) “Okay, that’s enough, this is one. We cannot get a new toy or anything else today that is not on our list. If I get to three…” Oh crap! What am I going to do if I get to three, leave? I am not coming back here to do this again! “…um, if I get to three, I will be very upset,” nice one mom. Oh, so lame.
I think I can actually feel my blood pressure rising, is that possible? Where the hell is the damn toilet paper?
“Hey Mama,” he sounds a little sheepish; I guess he got the point.
“Yes baby?” is that toilet paper?
“Hey, um, Mama…”
“What honey?” oh, nope. Paper towels.
“Um, Mama…”
“What?” But paper towels, that means I must be close, right?
“Hey Mama…”
I snap “WHAT!?” But I think, “oh my god, say my name again, I triple dog dare you! Just spit it out kid! What. Do. You. Need. To. Say?”
“I pee peed.” Silence. Stillness. Yellow puddle under the buggy.
And I think, man, that Wal-Mart Mommy has it all figured out. Hand them some nitrate-filled fast food and a high fructose corn syrup and red dye no. 4 Slurpee and smack ‘em if they open their mouths. Dr Sears didn’t get to her. No parenting literature or guilt trips are slowing her down. Her cart is full, her list complete and a mere glance at her kids strikes fear in their hearts and quiet in their lips. She sails through the check out to her car while I crawl around on the floor cleaning up pee and soothingly reassuring my toddler that “we all have accidents when we’re learning something new.” Sucker!
(c)2008 Lindsey C. Holderfield
Mother of Rylan (now almost 5) and former Wal-Mart shopper.
